Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
by Kristen Bailey
It’s normal for your washing machine to get more action than you, right?
I wake up, bleary-eyed. It’s been two years, six months and three hours since I last shaved my legs, and the llama-patterned knickers I’m wearing have seen better days.
We have seven minutes before the kids wake up, and my husband shuffles closer. ‘Ouch,’ he says, a piece of Lego sticking into his back.
Then, a light comes on in the landing. Small footsteps creep down the stairs. A little voice screams, ‘IS SOMEONE COMING TO MAKE BREAKFAST?!’
All hope of having some ‘alone time’ is replaced with wondering if we’ve run out of Cheerios, thinking about the overflowing laundry, and remembering that I forgot to take out the recycling. Again.
Just a typical Monday morning for the Morton family…
Except today, when I go downstairs in my dressing gown, I find something. Something belonging to my husband. Something that definitely wasn’t in the wedding vows. And it’s either going to make us… or break us.
An utterly hilarious and unmissable novel for anyone who has ever felt like they spend more time washing the dishes than getting lucky. Fans of Why Mummy Drinks and The Unmumsy Mum, and rom-coms by Sophie Ranald and Sophie Kinsella, will ugly laugh at this gloriously funny and relatable read.
My Rating:
Favorite Quotes:
Nothing is more sobering than looking at yourself in your underwear under a fluorescent bathroom glow. My stomach looks like a collapsed cake. My thighs look like rolled pork joints. I poke at them to see if I can carve out a thigh gap… I look down. Jesus, where are my boobs and stomach going? It’s like they’re trying to flee from me in different directions – gravity is not my friend.
I have a Morton brother either side of me: my brother-in-law to my left, to my right my husband, who keeps adjusting the tartan gown to protect my modesty… ‘Careful there, Meggers. Don’t need the whole world seeing your growler…’ I laugh hysterically at the mention of the word and do a lion impression.
She told people I had implants put in me arse. Who the heck wants their bum to look bigger?
‘There’s no such thing as heaven,’ Eve informs me. ‘ He’s just dust now and his dog ghost lives in the hills and will gallop around and sleep in the bushes scaring the squirrels.’
My Review:
I smirked, giggle-snorted, and barked with gleeful mirth throughout this cleverly penned and superbly crafted tale. This was my first exposure to the beguilingly wondrous wit of Kristen Bailey and I became a rabid fangirl halfway through page one. Her engaging writing style was crisp, rib-tickling, rife with smart edgy banter and humorous innuendo, and called up delightfully amusing visuals that danced behind my eyes. I am greedy for all her past and future words and have added her name to the top of my List Of Favorite Cool Beings.
About The Author
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Mother-of-four, gin-drinker, binge-watcher, receipt hoarder, enthusiastic but terrible cook. Kristen also writes. She has had short fiction published in several publications including Mslexia & Riptide. Her first two novels, Souper Mum and Second Helpings were published in 2016. In 2019, she was long-listed in the Comedy Women in Print Prize and has since joined the Bookouture family. She hopes her novels have fresh and funny things to say about modern life, love, and family.
You can find out more about her on Twitter (@mrsbaileywrites), Instagram (@kristenbaileywrites) and Facebook.
Amazon
Goodreads
Website
Mother-of-four, gin-drinker, binge-watcher, receipt hoarder, enthusiastic but terrible cook. Kristen also writes. She has had short fiction published in several publications including Mslexia & Riptide. Her first two novels, Souper Mum and Second Helpings were published in 2016. In 2019, she was long-listed in the Comedy Women in Print Prize and has since joined the Bookouture family. She hopes her novels have fresh and funny things to say about modern life, love, and family.
You can find out more about her on Twitter (@mrsbaileywrites), Instagram (@kristenbaileywrites) and Facebook.
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